HEART CHAKRA (step 4)
April 25th was the day a phase of my journey came to an end. It was a typical day in our household: everyone worked hard and came home late. My husband picked up our kids from my mother-in-law's house and arrived home around 7:00pm. My husband decided to have three beers on an empty stomach at his mom's house and arrived home noticeably impaired and slurring his words. I proceeded to feed the children and get them to bed. My husband continued to drink while he stayed up alone that night. He decided to come to bed around 11:30 pm after I had already fallen asleep and proceeded to wake me up with excessive noise, movement, and talking in his sleep.
After finding my bearings, and now awake, I turned to look at him. I watched amazed as it looked like my husband was sleep texting if you can imagine this. I don’t remember why I silently asked for help from my guides that night, but I did. I asked for help to better understand the situation I was in and the intense feelings I was experiencing lying there in bed watching this display. As soon as I asked the question I saw his phone light up with an incoming text message. I jumped out of bed and went to the phone where I proceeded to look at a string of text messages between my husband and another woman. The conversation I found myself reading was notably inappropriate for a married man to be having with another person. At this point, I had woken up my intoxicated sleeping husband and begun screaming at him about the conversation I had just read. He was completely impaired and not in a rational state of mind to be talking or explaining anything to me, but nevertheless we engaged in a word war for the next few hours. I knew this moment of discovery was no time to be discussing the situation, but I was so charged up I needed to release my feelings at him right then.
What I came to learn that night was something very inappropriate had been going on between my husband and this woman. To this day my husband has not explained to me all of the details of his extra-marital relationship, I assume that one day when my husband goes through his own spiritual process he might then be encouraged to relive and recount the events with me, but find that knowing the exact details of what happened was not necessary for me in my own spiritual growth. What mattered most for me is what I did with the information I received. My understanding and exposure to what was going on was enough proof that things were not right. That night I experienced complete emotional devastation. The world I thought I lived in turned unfamiliar and scary very quick, and the five days that followed were some of the hardest, most confusing, and beautiful I have ever experienced in my twenty-nine years of life.
After this eye-opening discovery, as you may imagine, I demanded an immediate divorce. I had reviewed it in my head and knew that being the breadwinner of the family and having a more flexible work schedule I could easily be a single parent, and make my kids' world a better place. This reaction did not go over well with my husband, who was ready to fight for our family. Over the next few days, I found myself needlessly being called to sit face to face with my husband over long-winded conversations. I couldn’t help but stare deeply into his eyes looking for any emotion or clue as to what and who he was when he talked to me. Each time he said the same things over and over, trying to convey remorse for his transgressions. I sat each time and listened to his words searching endlessly for an easy answer about what to do and how to do it, but found I always came to the same conclusion. It had to be a divorce. I couldn’t envision a life with this stranger I sat and listened to. I had no trust in him, no love for him, and I just couldn’t feel anything at all. By day four we had each included key players from our family to offer support and advice. My mother, having gone through her own divorce very young, was able to offer me the love and support I needed. She kept pushing for the marriage to continue, stressing that children need a family and that it isn’t easy to divorce and raise children by yourself. Along with that advice, she also added her support for the divorce if that was the way things needed to go. Even though the family support was wonderful, it wasn’t what finally broke through. A quiet meditation in a bathtub and a conversation with God finally shed light on what I needed to see.
One night just a few days after the discovery of the affair I found myself sitting in my bathtub. This is something I do regularly to relax, ground myself, and release negative energy. I walked through my grounding techniques while the tub basin filled, and I found myself preparing to fully surrender to this meditation. As the tub hit its optimal height I turned off the water and proceeded to sink very deep into the quiet recesses of my mind. My intentions we clear for this meditation; I need clairvoyance on my current situation. At this point, my husband, with the support of our families, had asked me for six months to prove that with therapy and support we could turn our situation around. Sitting in the bathtub I began my normal progression into meditation. I started with my catholic upbringing by saying prayers to God, then I called on the angels for protection and guidance, and then I stated my intentions as clearly and directly as possible and began my grounding process.
Starting the visualization I began to see myself in a bubble that floated into the sky. Relaxing amongst the clouds until my body was completely submissive, I waited as long as I needed to for the next visual to present itself. When my body and mind were ready the bubble carried me to a dock in the clouds that held my next path, which for me most always is a rainbow road that goes up into the universe. I usually lay down on this rainbow floating in the colors until I reach another cloud which holds a door to my Akashic records. The Akashic records is a place in a different dimension that is said to hold every soul's entire existence. Every past, present and future timeline is stored here from all of your lived and future lives. I typically greet my guide on the outside of this door and after restating my intentions and connecting with my guide in some fashion I am allowed to proceed through the door.
When I enter through the door I find myself in a familiar setting that resembles my Akashic records. I say “my” because the look and feel of my records differ from those of other people I have done this work for. When I journey to the records to retrieve information about another person, with their permission, of course, their records appear visually different from my own. I have not studied the great Akashic Journeyers like Edgar Casey, so I am not sure if this is typical for all who travel to the records but assume we will each encounter what is easiest and best for us to see or hear once we are there. I typically enter through the door and am drawn to a book on a shelf or a table, with a guide or room in my records that will hold for me the answers I seek. This particular visit was much different. When I walked through the door I was greeted by a place that was not my Akashic records at all, or if it was it had completely transformed into a vision I had not yet experienced. This was the first and only time my records have changed on me, and I knew instantly I was going to experience something very different.
When I walked through the door my eyes were overpowered by blinding golden-white light. Through the thick glowing tendrils of light directing right at and through my body, I could somewhat see glimpses of green fields around us. As I stood there questioning my vision and where or what I was doing here, I heard a voice call out my name. I proceeded to walk toward the voice even though I was unable to see this image fully. From somewhere deep inside me I had this inner knowing that it was what I knew to be God. I want to paint this picture more clearly for you so that you may understand the power I felt that day. Imagine standing beside the Lincoln Monument in Washington, D.C. My head came up to what felt like the knee height of the being standing in front of me. Feeling surrounded by warmth and unconditional love I proceeded to ask my first question. Now allowing all of the emotion I had inside of me to steadily come up in the form of one important question, I asked God, “What do I need to do?” the response came, “You need to be happy.” I thought about this for a split second and responded, “How do I become happy?” God said, “You need (long pause) to forget the past (long pause) and not worry about the future (long pause) you need to find happiness in your present state of being.” I then paused for what felt like an eternity just enjoying the calm peace that was surrounding me in that contemplative moment. After thanking God and returning from that moment I slowly transitioned out of the meditation and reground to my surroundings. With a clear head and a new perspective I then thought, so what’s going to make me happy?
After much deliberation, in the bathtub, I decided for me happiness meant having to be without my husband. There was no possible way I could live this way and be happy. That night I made the decision to divorce my husband. I had already told my husband and family that I would give our marriage six months’ time to see if things could be mended, but after these latest developments, I knew it would be impossible for me to stay in this situation. I dried off, got dressed and walked from the bedroom out to the living room where my husband had been watching television. I proceeded to ask him to try again and convey to me something that would make me change my mind about our relationship. I asked him to review once again what he was going to do to change. Listening intently I did not hear anything new or convincing enough to me that would sway me to stay. Letting every word he said become lighter and lighter until I didn’t feel one bit of connection to him anymore, I told him for the last time, “I am sorry, I know I said I would give this some time, but I just cannot stay in this relationship. I want a divorce. We had been sleeping in separate rooms since the incident on April 25th, so going our own ways that night was not something new.
The following day was much of the same. I used avoidance whenever possible and held cordial interactions for the kids' sakes when I was around them, but other than that nothing new arose. I was lighter than I had been in days and I felt like I had made the right decision and was mentally preparing for our split. After work and childcare responsibilities that night my husband stayed up watching television while I immediately retreated to my bedroom to wind down for sleep. I proceeded to meditate like I do every night before I go to sleep.
I began to say the “Our Father” prayer in my head. For those not brought up Catholic, it goes something like this: "Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us…"
After this last line, I stopped cold. I remembered a time in my life when I was attending the first Communion classes. I remember being told by the Catholicism teacher that no god-fearing Catholic will say this prayer without having forgiven all who have trespassed against them. This Catholic lesson made such an impression on the younger version of myself that I remember going to Sunday mass for a few weeks after hearing it and not repeating that line because I didn’t want God to be mad at me for not forgiving people in my life who I didn’t know had trespassed against me. At that age, I had no clue if I had anyone in life I needed to forgive, but even with that I still took the precaution and omitted the line. The teacher drilled it into my head that unless you are ready to forgive you should not be saying the prayer with empty words. Allowing all of these past thoughts and emotions to creep into my meditation that evening, I steadied myself and again put great value on the fact that if I should want to progress from this situation in a healthy manner I would still need to forgive my husband for the things he had done and I had not yet done that.
Knowing this was going to have to be a big gesture on my part I allowed myself to rest there in bed and began the first part of my forgiveness. I envisioned my husband’s face and allowed my heart center to open completely. I visualized my heart center connecting with his heart center and I felt all of the emotions of the situation and then allowed myself to be in a state of forgiveness. I then connected that emotion into every vibrating atom of my being and allowed it to fill me as I spoke the words of forgiveness in my head to him. Knowing this was going to have to be a big gesture to ensure that I fully released the pain I walked myself out to him in our living room where he was watching television and sat down across from him on a separate couch. He proceeded to mute the sound and he gave me his full attention. I sat there and before I started talking I took a moment to create a heart connection with him. I did this by simply envisioning an energetic connection between our hearts. I didn’t speak until I fully felt the vibration of energy running through my body. After making the connection and completely opening myself to the possibilities of forgiveness, I looked at him and said, “I forgive you.” He responded with “ok” and “thank you” probably because he was caught by surprise more than anything else. Immediately after this I felt light and decided to stay on that couch and watch what he had on television. I remember us both laughing when something happened on the television screen. I don’t know what was on; all I remember is that we laughed, something I had not done since the ordeal started. Being able to sit there that evening and laugh together was something I thought impossible just a few hours prior. Could this be happiness?
After that night my heart began to finally release and open more fully as each day passed. I told my husband I would take divorce off the table and I would give our relationship a month to see if any improvements could be made. He started to see a therapist and I continued to open myself up through my heart chakra. Our relationship gradually became lighter and stronger. I look back on that conversation I had with God and laugh at how I interpreted his wisdom with a black and white physical approach. The wise words had layers of meaning that simply unfolded as the days went on.
I had been living very detached from the present moment, and when that happens it is hard to see through the fog of your current situation and understand the higher meaning of your life lesson. I had said the “Our Father” prayer multiple times in the days following April 25th and had not acknowledged the words I was saying until that final night. I had not been living in the present moment and I was completely detached from the energy and intention surrounding my situation. Thankfully my entire physical body changed as soon as I opened my heart chakra and allowed forgiveness to take place. Reflecting, I find the most interesting part of my psyche was that I intended to forgive so that I could move on, but when I came to forgive I actually opened myself and saw the situation for what it had truly been created for. I can tell you very openly that my heart chakra has never been open in life. The day I forgave my husband was the first time I had ever experienced an opening and release in my heart center. My entire life I have protected my heart from hurt from external forces, and it took the ultimate hurt to fully open this energy center. The protection of my heart chakra actually led to its closing off. It is amazing to me that it took an act of betrayal, vulnerability, forgiveness, as well as an act of God, before this crazy little energy center was able to make its debut.
One of the truths that I hold in life is that sometimes it takes the most devastating of circumstances to truly allow you to open to your fullest potential. I don’t know if there is anything that could have opened my heart chakra like what happened to me that night. If that incident did not come to a head-on April 25th I am not sure my heart charka would have ever opened in this marriage. I sometimes let myself think about past lives and I wonder how many times I have been given this chance to open my heart chakra, and how many times I have accepted the challenge. What if I had preceded with the divorce, choosing the ultimate protection? What then would it have taken to open my heart chakra? My heart had been so closed and protected for so long that I can honestly say that only an experience like the one I had that night could have truly pulled me from the dark place I was living in. Again this is a truth for me about my lesson plan in this lifetime. Sometimes we have to learn to protect our heart and establish boundaries, and therefore my example would not be suitable for the person living with that lesson to learn. This is a lot of chakra healing to believe in, but take it from me this was to date the best experience of my life. I am so thankful that at 29 I have so many years ahead of me to celebrate with a completely open and loving heart center. My soul is no longer void of emotional experiences and I am so thankful for that no matter what it took in life to get me there. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. By allowing ourselves to live the human experience and be one with the emotions we have, we allow ourselves to make a stronger connection to the earth. You must be able to run emotions through your body in a healthy manner to fully connect with the life you have chosen to live.
